I am a homosexual in the closet from a very religious background in India. My father has remained a closeted homosexual because it is not considered acceptable for North Indian Hindus to be gay. Now my father expects me to do the same as him and get married and start a family. However, despite dating men extensively, I have not felt attracted to a single man. Could you please give me some advice on how to come out? I have not dated a single woman as yet and do not know how to go about the process of looking for a lesbian (I like femmes). Also, could you provide me some information on counselors who could counsel me on homosexual sex? All the psychiatrists and psychologists I have seen so far have told me that sex is for reproduction and any other form of sex is abnormal or kinky.
Is homosexuality an orientation you are born with or is it a choice? All my colleagues at work think homosexuality is unnatural and against nature and my friends’ think I am crying for attention. Your advice will be much appreciated.
It seems to me that your family has started some sort of unhealthy tradition of hiding who they are. I think that this tradition should stop with you, regardless of your religious background or family background. Everyone has some sort of belief system but you have to be true to yourself or you won’t genuinely be happy. I am sure you already know this, but I just want to reinforce this thought process because restraining who you are could cause long-term damage (mentally) if not taken care of as soon as possible. Since you know that you are attracted to women and not men that is the first step to coming out to yourself and others.
As for what others are telling you, do not listen to them, they are close-minded and have no education on other lifestyles except their own and that is a sad way to live. Your friends and family, however, will in time either accept your choices or not, and at this point in your life you will know who loved you unconditionally or not. I hope that is doesn’t come to that but sometimes weeding out the good, bad, and the ugly is the best way to live the life you want. It will be difficult but worth it in the end. You want to surround yourself with people who love you and accept you for who you are. Also, do not lie to them, let them know how you feel, this will start the weeding out process.
Coming out, is a process and you want to be as prepared, mentally, as possible. Know that is could go badly or it could go great. Know that the people who love you could be hurt by your decisions or they could accept them. Just grasp the concepts that this process could be a cakewalk or it could be devastating for all parties involved. After you have this set in your mind and you are ready to move forward, pick a time to have “the talk.” Since religion is important, know the views of your family and community on the subject but also have your case ready to be proven. Let me know that this is not their fault and that it feels natural to you. Ease them into your views and ideas on relationships. Have help ready for your family and friends, any information you can find that proves that homosexuality is not vulgar or the end of the world will help. Introduce them to PFLAG and let them know that they are not alone. Just have all your bases covered and expect the worst (just in case).
Finding women can be difficult but it is also a process. The Internet is a great tool for budding friendships. Do not jump into online relationships, just meet people talk to them, find people in your area, and have fun as an open homosexual. There are sites dedicated to women with forums, meet-ups, and online chat. These sites can be fun and will set you on your way to becoming more comfortable with your new lifestyle and talking to women. After you find more women in your area then you can spread your wings to bars and other places that accept lesbians.
Counseling is another great way to familiarize yourself with your new lifestyle. Again, Internet is a great tool. You can find peer counseling which might be a good direction to go or you can find counselors in your area. I found one that might be helpful called, Association for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, & Transgender Issues in Counseling, and you can find it online at http://www.algbtic.org/. Contact them, send them an email and tell them your situation and location and tell them you want help. I am sure they will not turn you away. But there are other places that offer counseling but you will have to do some research. However, these people will not shun you from your choices or make you feel dirty and stupid, they know what you are going through and they want to help.
Good luck S!